I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
