He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
