i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
