there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
