I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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