i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
