I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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