I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
As shirtless as possible
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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