Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
