Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
