I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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