Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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