If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
