i used baking grease as lip gloss
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize