my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
