the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
