my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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