no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
