PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I believe in your delicious
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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