All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
