im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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