bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
