it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
