Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
