I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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