I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My dick has a subreddit
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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