Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
