god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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