Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
