she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
