Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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