I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
