fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
