I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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