Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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