he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
