my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
