I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
