it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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