Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
