dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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