wrigley field is MILF paradise
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
