Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
