she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
