dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
