I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
