we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
