Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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