I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
