im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
