I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
