alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
