Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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