Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
