wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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