So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize