I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
